25“Who are you?” they asked.
“Just what I have been claiming all along,” Jesus replied. 26 “I have much to say in judgment of you. But he who sent me is reliable, and what I have heard from him I tell the world.”
27 They did not understand that he was telling them about his Father. 28 So Jesus said, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am the one I claim to be and that I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me. 29 The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him.” 30 Even as he spoke, many put their faith in him.
Tell. Speak. Do.
Yuck. Another day where I feel like my mouth and brain are diametrically opposed. My mouth says, “I’ma goin’ this way,” and my brain begs, “Nooooo! You know that’ll only lead to bad things.” (Yep, “bad things.” My brain can’t even grasp bigger, more important ways of saying common things. Scott and I are trying to remedy that by reading Bonhoffer — along with a dictionary — but I think it’ll take longer than I have.)
I think I’ll struggle with my tongue, in some way, until that final day it stops wagging. Lately, it wags when I feel out of control. My little ducks have been less than in line now, for over a year. There is little closure to my day, so I clamor for means of controlling other things. Other people.
Like Scott.
Yuck.
I first saw this pattern for what it was, thanks to my roommate, Jodi, as she Nancy Drew-d my reality. I think it was a Saturday. I’d gotten fed up with how I could never see what spices we had, so got out stickers to put on top of the lids so, when I pulled out the container of them, I’d see the names. My friend, Angel, had just left after helping me put a closet organizer in.
Jodi came into my room and asked, “You organized the spices and built a closet organizer today. Are you feeling out of control in some area?”
Ah, wise Jodi. Well, yes. I was. I couldn’t tell you what it was, but I’ve never forgotten that day.
So…where was I and how did I get to this story? Oh, yes. Jesus’ words.
Jesus’ words and actions were never of his own initiative. This is the second clear time I remember seeing that truth in John.
- “…what I have heard from [The Father] I tell the world” (v. 26).
- “…I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me” (v. 28).
- “…for I always do what pleases [the Father]” (v.29).
In reading, and rereading this passage for the past few days, these 3 descriptions are so beautifully compelling. I wonder if that’s, in part, why “even as He spoke, many put their faith in Him” (v. 30).
Beautifully compelling because I want to live like that! Oh, but I don’t. To be honest to the work God’s done in my life, my tongue isn’t what it was. For sure. When I first joined as a missionary with Campus Crusade for Christ, my trainer had me study the book of James. Knife to chest. If you know anything about James, it’s about the tongue.
So, yes, by God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power in me, He’s changed me. Oh, but there’s such an ache in me to fully live out who He’s made me to be.
To not clamor. To not spin, seek to arrange or control events. Rather to have a heart at rest. Not compelled to believe that it’s all up to me. (What a prideful lie.)
But to allow God to choose my words and actions.
That would be highly pleasing for everyone involved.
{Again, I’m sorry Honey. Thank you for loving me and showing me grace even when I’m not giving grace to you.}